Last week, a very good friend of mine--a Southern belle I'll call "Whitley"--gave me the update on her crush, who happens to be a man of the cloth at a non-denominational church.
According to her, he's a tall, dreamy and single associate minister who joined the church last year. Yes, Whitley's been gushing about this man since around Thanksgiving, even directing me to her church's website to see his pic!
Whitley is accustomed to garnering the attention of the single men in her congregation(s). She was raised old-school Baptist, and doesn't come to church with a hair out of place. She mixes eye-catching, but classy attire with sky-high stilettos, and since I know her M.O., I bet she likely struts down her church's aisle as if it's a catwalk. The single church musicians always seem to fall for her.
Let me get to the point. She's more than a little perturbed that the aforementioned minister hasn't taken his turn wooing her yet. She and other single ladies at the church have been trying to catch his eye, strike up a convo, get some indication that he knows that they're alive. She's even talked to a couple of people she knows who know him to get more deets on his status. Although he's been pleasant and polite, he isn't biting. With anyone. Whitley's made such a number of subtle but failed attempts at flirtation that she began to ask herself, "Is he gay?"
So, Whitley hatched a plan. She asked her gay friend to church, telling him that she needed him to use his gaydar to make sure that her crush wasn't in vain. SMH&LOL. Dude actually agreed--he checked the crush out from a distance and assured her that he didn't detect any "gay vibes." He also said that he hadn't seen him at any of the gay clubs around the city.
I was horrified. O, what insanity Oprah hath wrought upon Black women with guests' exaggerations about the down-low phenomenon! I told Whitley that if she even needed to ask the question, then she didn't need to bother with the guy anyway. I also said that investigayting the crush has already poisoned whatever relationship they could possibly have: If he suddenly decides to direct his attention to her, and they somehow get involved, she will always have this crazy, distrustful act hanging over her head.
My guess: I just think that the guy's avoiding the church's women to keep his developing reputation clean with the congregation and prevent the gossips from getting in his business. He may be dating someone with no connection to their church whatsoever. Or, he could just be going through a monk-like phase where church work is the focus and he can't be bothered with a relationship... Who knows?
In your opinion, was what she did completely out of bounds? Or was the investigaytion a necessary evil in our modern dating universe? Let me know what you think!
"Whitley" can't post comments at work, so she sent me this fiery e-mail to defend her actions. :)
ReplyDeleteDeep.Honey,
“Whitley” was not crazy or distrustful in anyway and I see absolutely nothing wrong with her actions. It appears she was simply being cautious and did not want to waste any of her valuable time on something that would never be. How many times have unsuspecting women blindly gone into a relationship thinking they had Prince Charming, only to discover that he was a slimy frog?? I can pretty much guarantee that a man will not tell the woman he just started dating “I’m gay! *looks away nervously and clears throat* No, baby, I’m not gay…I just like to have sex with other men from time to time…*reestablishes direct eye contact with a sincere look now* but, I am NOT gay!” NOPE! It does not happen that way. Women find out the crap much, much later - usually after time and hearts have been invested.
CUT THE BULLCRAP! It’s 2011 and we ain’t gettin’ no younger! (Double negatives- I know- but I said what I meant and I meant what I said!) When dating, (especially in Atlanta and in DC), one of the initial things women need to do is an investigation!
Allow me to give a couple of examples as to why investigations are a necessity and must be done before time and feelings are involved. It may save a great deal of heartache in the long run.
I have a friend who “Googled” a new beau and found him on the sex offenders registry!!!! He did not admit that information up front! When she confronted him with her discovery, only then did he want to explain. She tried to overlook the matter (which he claimed he was totally innocent in) and continued to see him. After months of dating and wasted time, the issue still vexed her. She finally decided that she could not trust him and terminated the relationship.
Another friend of mine has a lying boyfriend who claims he is “Special Forces” in the military… He is using that to explain his multiple absences and not promptly returning her phone calls. He told her that he is on a top secret mission in Iraq but will be back in a few days to spend time with her. (A top secret mission??? For only a few days??? In Iraq?? REALLY!!?!?!?! Dude, get the heck outta here!) Unfortunately, she hangs onto and believes his every word!! They are still together… sporadically. (I speculate that he is married, but does not want to come clean. My shoulder is available for her when she needs one to cry on.)
Seriously, let’s think this thing through. Don’t you investigate a future employer before going on the interview? Don’t you do your research before you purchase a new car? Why should dating be any different? Do credit checks, background checks, sex offender/pedophile registry checks! Do every investigation you possibly can!
In the comical, rhyming manner of Dr. Seuss…
Investigate before you date;
Investigate before it’s too late!
Unsure if your new Boo is being true to you?
Then search his SSN by Google or Yahoo!
He may be a loser or even gay.
At least you will know now, not after your wedding day!
Sincerely,
"Whitley" :)
And to Whitley, I still say that you should've waited until he ASKED YOU OUT before you started investigayting the poor dude. You couldn't give even a MINISTER the benefit of the doubt? LOL.
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