Thursday, June 28, 2012

My VH1 Programming Suggestion

I’ve said it before, and with the arrival of “Hollywood Exes,” I’ll say it again.
I am so over reality shows featuring women of color who are only famous well-known sometimes photographed for black gossip blogs for sleeping with athletes and D-list rappers.

As I paged through the Comcast listings after coming back from the George Clinton extravaganza on the National Mall, I wasn’t a bit tempted to tune in.  Although seeing what brand of crazy R. Kelly’s ex would likely be—you just know anybody married to him has to be a little bit unhinged—would probably have been entertaining, I have to play my part in helping to shut down VH1’s conveyor belt of stereotype-ridden, brain-rotting nonsense targeted at African-American women.  It's likely the same tired storylines of jealousy, catfights, and drama with the exes.

If VH1 wants to pique my interest again, I’ve got a pitch for them.  Let’s turn the tables a little bit. *giggle-snort*

From Swagged to Gagged.  Celebrity. Luxury. Notoriety.  And then…it all came crashing down.   How do you survive the aftermath of a breakup with a female superstar?

My Dream Cast.  I bet most of these men are under some type of gag order from their exes, but who cares?  The Basketball Wives, especially Royce, have managed to work around them.


Gabriel Aubry, Halle Berry’s model baby daddy.  Sexy mess.  Although I’ve said that Halle seems to suffer from what I call crazy pretty girl syndrome (I had a frenemy in college who was afflicted with this—it’s like she lived in an alternate reality, one in which even gay guys were trying to sexually assault her.) since that hit and run she claimed not to remember, I bet he has his own set of issues with a capital I, just based on her LTR track record.  Remember Eric Benet?  Christopher Williams, anyone?

Jonathan Plummer, Terry McMillan’s gay ex-husband.  Google that first “Oprah” appearance featuring him and Terry after he informed Terry of his "newly discovered" (cough, cough @@) orientation.  You know that drama has to follow him wherever he goes.

Speaking of Jonathan, let’s add Al Reynolds, Star Jones’ ex, as an alternate.

Ojani Noa and Cris Judd, J. Lo’s first two ex-husbands.  She dumped Noa after her career took off, so there’s some animosity there.  Judd was a backup dancer, so he could elaborate on the patterns she keeps repeating. Even though I think her current “relationship” with Casper is more about maintaining the "I’m over 40 and still a sexy cougar" image for the media…I mean, she had him walking out of her hotel in front of a swarm of paparazzi early on...that wasn't a rookie mistake.
Rene' Elizondo, Janet Jackson’s second ex-husband.  The marriage was a well-kept secret until he filed for divorce in 2000.  

Solange Knowles’ ex—I didn’t even bother looking up his name, but someone with intimate knowledge of the Knowles empire has much tea to spill.

David Otunga—I’m not being mean, but raise your hand if you actually think that the wrestler formerly known as "Punk" and J. Hud are going to work out.  That’s what I thought.  We’ll be reserving a seat for him.

The core cast would be featured in the activities that I imagine consume much of the time of male celebrity exes:
*Pedicures and facials 
*Drinking at formerly exclusive lounges and sports bars in the Hollywood Hills.  
*Hanging out in the saunas of celebrity-centric gyms--fees courtesy of VH1.
*Enjoying Lakers and L.A. Kings games from the upper deck.
*Shopping at Beverly Center so that someone will recognize them.
*Sightseeing in Malibu in the convertibles they took in their settlements.
*Browsing in boutiques on Rodeo Drive.
*Strolling on the picturesque pier in Santa Monica, talking about their beef with other cast members.
*Attendance and mandatory confrontation at a TBD charity event, maybe a silent auction for paparazzi and L.A. County drivers allegedly injured by Lindsey Lohan.

Cameos By Random Celebrity Exes

K-Ci Hailey, former lead singer of Jodeci and Mary J. Blige’s ex-boyfriend. His issues have been well-documented, even in a reality show on TVOne.  My sister has a hilarious story about seeing him acting a fool onstage at some ‘90s hip-hop reunion show in Atlanta a few years back.  

Rohan Marley, the father of five of Lauryn Hill's children.  Enough said.
Nas.  Although he’s a rap icon in his own right, anybody who poses with his ex-wife’s wedding dress on the cover of his new album needs some kind of healing.

The show would be addictive trash, but at least it wouldn't be another show with negative portrayals of black women.  You're welcome, America.

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