The Single Sister's Guide to Decoding the Online Profile

I recently gave in to curiosity and created a profile on a dating site for black singles.

100 Angry Black Women Networking Event

Hate Steve Harvey's countrified "humor" and cat daddy suits?

Source:  Dideo.  Obtained via Wikipedia under a Creative Commons License.

It's a New Year. If You Can't Grow Together...

...then you shouldn't be together.  Feel free to cite this article as your supporting research. 

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/weekinreview/02parkerpope.html?src=me&ref=homepage

Please know that I am not directing this post towards anybody who's already in a state of wedded bliss...if you made your decision, I really hope you're secure in it.

I wonder if most break-ups occur during the first week of the year, when everyone is trying to make a fresh start.

**Flashback to one Jan. 2nd when I forced myself to have "the conversation" with a hot guy who I just couldn't allow to make it past the three-month mark...just wasn't anything close to marriage material.**

My mind's often been on relationships lately.  I'm tempted to ask couples in my family who have been married for 10+ years about how they knew they had "the one" and how they've kept it together for so long, but we are all very private people.  We're not the types to argue in public or tell our "business" unless there's a really good reason.  When I work up the courage, I'm going to send out an e-mail to a few of them and see if they'll respond (even anonymously, via snail mail).  I'll share the results.

The Top Ten Things That Black Women Hate About Dating Brothers in D.C.

I've been pondering this for a while, and have also gotten co-signs and high-fives on some of these, so here is my list of the Top Ten Things that Black Women Hate About Dating Brothers in D.C.  Yes, this also 
applies to those in the 'burbs.

1.  Men with very limited cultural experiences.  PLEEEASE expand your horizons and read a book, go to a museum, or check out The Grio or The Root every now and then so you have something to talk about other than ESPN, coontastic rappers, LeBron James, video games, and those folks that are "trippin'" at work.   

2. We're not saying that you have to be office casual every time we go out, but can your Yankees/Nationals cap with a sticker on it and white tee be less of a constant in your weekend style repertoire?

3.  Bad manners on the first date.  We don't care who you are or how much money you have--we don't really know you yet.  Show you have some home training.  Sexual banter is really inappropriate at this point in time, and it shows a lack of conversational skill/imagination.  Also, keep your hands on your side of the table.

4.  When you are single and out at the club/lounge, don't expect women to come up to you.  Having a degree or two doesn't make you special in Chocolate City.  Be a man, man!  Summon up your inner Morris Chestnut and give us a smile and a hello when we cross paths at the bar.  And stop waiting until we are headed out the door to tap us on the shoulder.  Special note to the buppie pegros--hanging out in small groups with your boys on one side of the venue the entire night, staring at women, is lame behavior more befitting of a middle-school dance.  My friends and I have noticed this phenomenon one too many times at one particular upscale lounge on 14th Street... Why did you bother going out if you're not going to circulate?

5.  Lack of creativity when it comes to planning dates.  We don't want to do all of the work in determining where to go.  Can you research something unique (and it doesn't have to be expensive) for at LEAST one outing a month?  You may think otherwise, but The Cheesecake Factory, T.G.I.Friday's, and ghetto Chinese takeout are not the height of D.C.'s restaurant scene.  It can even be a free event.  Just show us that you want to keep things interesting and fresh.

6.  If we've been going out for a while, and we invite you to church, can you try it just once?  Don't act like you haven't been to church before.  We wouldn't ask if we didn't care.

7.  Don't keep us waiting.  You know how long it takes to get to our place by now.

8.  Leave your past in the past.  We are not your evil ex.  Contrary to what Jay-Z, Biggie or other rappers have claimed, we have no plans to trick you, trap you and drain your bank account.  We have our own dinero, and prefer for our eggs to remain unfertilized until we get both rings, thanks.

9.  We know you have the strongblackman thing going on, and we appreciate that.  But can you COMMUNICATE?!  Texts do not count.  Tell us what's going on in your mind about the relationship, and anything that is really affecting you.  You can only get the understanding and true support of your strongblackwoman if you are open and honest with us.

10.  Why do men around here get snitty and infantile when we initiate the break-up?  If it's just not working, and we tell you that in a respectful way, what's the problem?
     
Honorable Mentions:  1.  Don't ask for our deets/cards if you are currently "occupied" and unable to fully follow up.  2. Traffic on the Woodrow Wilson Bridge.  I suspect it has broken up more than a few MD/VA love affairs.

Remedies for Emotional Nausea, Anyone?

I end this day just trying to get back to normal.  I've been in a crazy maelstrom of emotions over the past 24...must be ovulating or something.  Is the moon full?

Yesterday, I was randomly invited to a friend of a friend's house for an afternoon of what I thought was going to be old-school board games and home cooking.

By the time we got to the spot--the person who invited me and possessed the directions had apparently gotten a case of the "itis" after brunch, causing a major delay--about three of the attendees remained.  Regardless, they welcomed us with open arms and tilapia and cornbread and strawberry shortcake.

Then, while we dug into some snacks and watched TLC's Sunday estrogen block (Four Weddings, Say Yes to the Dress:  Big Bliss, and Sister Wives) for laughs, the host brought out a "cabbage ball," a large wad of slips of paper containing deeply personal questions.

I HATE those games.  I don't know you, you don't know me, and thus haven't earned the right to know too much about me other than my name, hometown, and the city in which I currently reside.  Um, where's the alcohol?  And the men?

But I played along, because the girls there turned out to be cool but also deeply spiritual/religious, which was interesting.  As we passed the ball around, trying to keep our responses to the questions (e.g., "Have you been in love, and how many times?"  "Recall a near-death experience."  "What's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?") to three minutes or less, I found their personal reflections both endearing and refreshing.

Out of the blue, one particularly deep question I received had me unexpectedly bawling like a fat white woman with a bad perm on Oprah, circa 1988.   I'm not a crier, but anything that makes me think too deeply about my deceased grandmother always takes me to a very emotional place.  Doggone PMS...  So embarrassing, but they were sweet about it. 

We all hung out a little too late, and of course, the convo turned to dating in D.C., of which, I am now 100% sure, is ridiculously difficult for any sister with principles and common sense, regardless of income, educational level, denomination, city of residence, and looks.  I have yet to meet anyone under 35 here who's got it figured out.  It was strangely reassuring.

Oh, and I almost forgot:  One of our last sources of entertainment for the night was watching the "Black Marriage Negotiations Video," which inspired a mix of laughs and SMH.
  
Today, I just had the unshakable feeling of being drained and talked out.  That happens when you spend 7 hours emotionally vomiting.  I'll get my focus back tomorrow.

2010 Update on Lisa Turtle Syndrome

*flicks switch to let time-traveling blog post app warm up*

Oh, Lisa. Who didn't want your weave, fashion sense, upper-class buppie affluence and carefree SoCal lifestyle?

Back in the day, if I couldn't be at home in my Esleep jammies on a Saturday morning, I would set the playroom VCR to record your adventures with Zack, hottie Slater, Kelly and Jessie.  We all could've cared less about Screech.

Although I loved the show, I was disappointed that they couldn't find a long-term Black boyfriend for you. You were perennially on the outside looking in, fighting off Screech's affections, and commenting on your lighter counterparts' love affairs.

I racked my brain, but I only remember one brother that popped in to Bayside (for less than three episodes) to woo you.  You also had a brief fling with Jessie's shady stepbrother, but we're talking about a period of teenage hijinks that lasted half a friggin' decade if you count the Miss Bliss years!   I appreciate that in the latter days of the show, you finally got some love from Zack (my teenage self thought that hospital scene was hot!), but too little, too late.

Let me get to the point--I can't keep this time portal open too long.  I'm writing to let you know that in 2010, things haven't gotten any better for Black folks under 35 on the small screen. In fact, when it comes to depicting us in relationships with other Black folks, it's only gotten worse.

First of all, the five major networks have no shows with predominately Black casts.  I can't get over it either.  I think "Girlfriends" (ironically, don't get me started on Toni's short ex-husband) and "The Game"were the last watchable, halfway decent Black shows on TV.  Who would have thought that this would be the case when we have a biracial man in the Oval Office?

We usually show up in prime time as wisecracking sidekicks to White folks, often without real lives of our own.  When we are depicted in relationships, the characters are frequently stuck with "leftover" White characters in lazily conceived, poorly-written hookups that just don’t make sense.  Sometimes it seems like Black relationships are impossible because of an unspoken one-Black recurring-character limit on these shows.  Don't believe me?  Need proof?  See the following:

1.  Kellee Stewart, Stephanie on "My Boys."  Kellee is one to watch, making moves on the big screen, but here, she plays an author of a popular book on relationships who is a sidekick to a White female sportswriter.  Likely because the producers are too cheap to bring a brother on as her love interest, they have stuck her in a nonsensical relationship with said sportswriter's butt-ugly, balding, sports-memorabilia store-owning friend.  It is easy to understand why they have zero chemistry.  Poor Kellee.

2.  Amber Riley, Mercedes on "Glee."  Amber is the only celebrated Black actress under 30 on a major network.  We love her soaring, show-stopping vocals and her spunk.  Her teenage love life thus far?  An unrequited crush on her White gay BFF and a fake relationship with the cute Jewish bad boy on the show to help him increase his popularity.

3.  Tristan Wilds, Dixon on "90210."  Watched this a couple of times when nothing else was on...  Teenage loves so far?  White series regular, then a psycho older Black woman in her 20s who faked a pregnancy after multiple hookups, then a new, much-less-glamorous-than-her-peers, stringy-haired, tomboyish blond girl that doesn't quite make sense on the show.

4.  Katerina Graham, Bonnie on "The Vampire Diaries."  Love this show.  This Black BFF to the White heroine of the show is a teenage witch.  (side note:  They killed off Jasmine Guy as her grandma...)  Bonnie almost got vamped by her brief White love interest.  The only brother I remember on the show was a vampire former slave from the 1800s who behaved like he was still in chains. 

5.  Camille Winbush, Lauren on "The Secret Life of the American Teenager."  Once again, don't judge me!  I've seen a few eps because there's absolutely nothing on TV during my kitchen time!  Although I'm convinced that this ridiculous show on ABC Family is trying to turn America's daughters into complete whores, I'm glad that she at least gets the best-looking White guy on the show.  No brothers to be found in the mix.

6.  Jada Pinkett Smith, Christina Hawthorne on "HawthoRNe."  I hate to admit that I haven't watched more than 20 minutes of the show (zzz...I tried), but when I did check in, Christina, an RN, was dating an injured White doctor.
    
Jessica Lucas, Riley on "Melrose Place," and Gabrielle Union of "FlashForward" would have been added to the list of Black women in relationships with non-Black men on screen, but their shows have been cancelled.
I don't even want to bother discussing the Black folks with failed marriages and engagements on Private Practice and Grey's, which I stopped watching shortly after they gave Isaiah Washington the boot.  Side note:  Anybody else remember that they got rid of Dr. Bailey's husband in the blink of an eye?  He couldn't handle her career...that one's for you, Conspiracy Bunny.

To summarize, we don't see ourselves on screen in positive, loving relationships with actors who self-identify as Black and portray a Black character.   It bothers me to no end that a generation of little Black girls growing up in the 21st century don't have a Cliff and Clair, a Dewayne and Whitley, or at least a Martin and Gina.  Yes, their shows are in syndication, but it's not the same as seeing a contemporary Black relationship.  I also have to wonder if they are subconsciously receiving the message that relationships with non-Blacks are somehow preferred and more accepted by society.  I look at my younger cousins' choice of wives, girlfriends, and babymamas and have to wonder about the impact of post-Cosby TV on their lives.

Lisa, things have got to change.  But I close this time portal with a little optimism.  Regina King bravely spoke out our on our lack of representation at the Emmys, so hopefully this will lead to positive changes in the industry.  Also, Boris Kodjoe is hitting your old network as a sexy spy married to a Black (yay!) fellow spy in "Undercovers" later this month.
 Thank God.

Au revoir for now.

P.S.  Do Slater's dimples taste as delicious as they look?  Just asking.